President Conducts Disquisition On New Anti-Terrorist Plans

by Lawrence Velvel

President O’Bomber sat for a lengthy third exclusive interview with this reporter recently. This time we discussed the reasons why the CIA failed to connect the dots to stop Abdulmutallab from flying on a Northwest plane to Detroit. (Abdulmutallab, of course, intended to fly to Lake Huron, not Detroit.)

“It is not true that our analysts were not connecting the dots,” said O’Bomber. “There were 200 of them in Langley connecting the dots in the little books we give them. They were coloring in the pictures too after they connected the dots.

“So it is wrong and untrue for that wacko, the aptly named Dick Cheney, to claim the CIA was not doing its job. Cheney has called me privately to give me his own plan, just like he used to tell George Bush what to do. Cheney says that the way to stop terrorists from blowing up airplanes in flight is to stop people from flying. That way terrorists will have to blow up airplanes on the ground, where nobody will get hurt. He says nobody ever heard of an airplane falling out of the ground, so people will be safe.

“Cheney suggested to me that we give all people who want to be terrorists the key to the big parking lot in the Arizona desert where all the thousands of airplanes not currently in use are kept. This would enable the terrorists to blow up all the airplanes they want, with nobody being hurt. As a side benefit, we would find out who the terrorists are because they would have to apply for keys to the parking lot, and we could also track them on the parking lot to find out what particular type of plane each likes to blow up.

“Cheney,” continued the President, “wants to turn the whole country into a no fly zone. He carries this to the point where he wants to revoke the Presidential Medal of Freedom given to the Wright brothers. He said to me, ‘Anyway, Brack (he runs my first initial and middle name together like I was some foul water), that medal should never have gone to the Wright brothers. It should have gone to Alberto Santos Dumas.’ I had some of our analysts take some time off from connecting dots and filling in colors in order to check this out, and they reported back that it’s true. This broke the CIA string of 287 consecutive mistakes, but I decided not to do it anyway.

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