US PREPARES FOR POST 12-25 WORLD

by R J Shulman
WASHINGTON – (PTSD News) – The explosive device that was sewed into the underwear of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab seems to have changed America forever. The bomb, which was designed to blow a hole in a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit on 12-25 failed to fully detonate and simply caught Abdulmutallab’s seat on fire.

President Barack Obama immediately condemned the attack and called for stricter security measures at airports. However, this did not stop Republicans from blaming the president for the attack.

“Obama can’t keep us safe, like Bush did,” said former Vice President [sic] Dick Cheney. “And how dare the president be vacationing out of the country in Hawaii? You’d never catch George W. Bush on vacation, while we were being attacked.”

Michele Bachmann (R-MN) said, “This Umar guy is just the first of Obama’s Black Muslim Hitler youth that this foreign born president is sending here to take over the US.”

Republicans are demanding a 12-25 Commission to impeach President Obama for “allowing this unprecedented attack to happen on American soil,” said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.

Congress is also slated to pass USA Patriot Act III, a measure that will allow government officials to inspect the underwear of suspected enemy combatants at airports. “I volunteer to make these inspections,” said former Idaho Senator Larry Craig (R). “I will do anything to protect America, plus I won’t have to tap or take a wide stance in airport stalls as I’ll now be able to show my flaming patriotism out in the open.”

Republicans said they’d support the legislation when Democrats agreed to add an amendment that allows authorities to question women in secret as enemy combatants if they suspect the woman may be contemplating an abortion.

Others blame security at the Amsterdam airport who allowed the device on the plane to Detroit. “If those security workers weren’t some overpaid incompetent union workers, this never would have happened,” said Senator Jim DeMint (R-SC), “which is proof that all unions should be outlawed.”

“The fault lies with the Dutch security workers because they have socialized medicine,” said Senator Joe Lieberman (I-CT). “American security personnel said they never would have let this happen.”

“After all, we prevented Cat Stevens from flying into the US,” said Waldon Smithfield, of Homeland Security, “and we wouldn’t want him here subverting our resolve on the war on terror by singing Peace Train.”

In has now been revealed that a similar explosive incident happened on Air Force One when President [sic] George W. Bush’s pants caught on fire over New Orleans. The NTSB experts determined the fire was not due to an explosive device in the former president’s underwear, but due to the lies he told to lure the US into the war in Iraq.

The ACLU is very concerned about more damage being done to the protections afforded by the Bill of Rights. “This is a dark day in America,” said Ryman Brillstein of the ACLU, “if this new legislation passes, we will lose one of our most precious rights, keeping it a secret whether we wear boxers or briefs.”

Senator John McCain disagreed, supporting Patriot Act III. “Like Americans needed to fear communists under the bed in the fifties, and terrorists’ drones attacking them after 9-11,” McCain said, “we must now be very afraid of exploding Muslim underwear.”

President Obama is meeting with his advisers as to whether to attack and invade Yemen, the supposed al Qaeda training ground for Abdulmutallab. “We are checking to see if there is enough oil in Yemen to risk putting our military forces in harms way,” the President said.

31 Dec 2009

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